My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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