you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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