I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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