I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
