you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Maybe he injected his testicle?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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