I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
