Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
