Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
