Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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