she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
