It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
