i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just pee around me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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