They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
