xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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