Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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