I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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