In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
