What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
