I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
