I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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