On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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