you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
