I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
