Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
