I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
