If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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