just tell him i said nine months
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
