Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
