Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
