why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
