just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
