and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
