everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
