Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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