News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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