I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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