Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
