The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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