Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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