my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
