My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
