If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
