I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
