Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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