In America we eat man semen.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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