If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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