I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
