apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
