Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
