Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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