I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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