I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i drank out of a bidet.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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