I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
