best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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