If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
